4 Things I Would Do If I Found An Alien

Stay away from my son, you alien freak!
  1. Free him.
  2. Aww no, I can’t free him? His planet is too far away? Damn, that sucks… Well, I guess he might as well earn his keep. He can start by cleaning the leaves out of the gutter, pulling up all the weeds on the lawn (his leathery, calloused fingers are perfect for it, and it saves on getting a pair of gloves), and if the WEATHER TOMORROW is good then he can get to work trimming the hedges, picking up the dog poo. On that note, be careful to keep him away from the dog, Rex hasn’t had time to get familiar with ET yet and so has been chasing him around the garden pretty regularly, trying to bite him. ET does look funny running when he tries to run; his short legs obviously weren’t designed for making quick getaways and Rex has nearly gotten his jaws into him a few times already.
    Anyway, other outside jobs I would give him: mowing the lawn, washing the car, washing the dog, feeding the dog, building the dog kennel. (Watch out, don’t let the neighbours see him or they’ll call the government to take your slave, I mean your pet alien, away to Area 51. Oh fuck, did they just see him? Why is he running around screaming with his arms up, it’s just a Pitbull? Get him inside the house, quick, quick. He can help with emptying the dishwasher.)
  3. Now that ET has made a scene in the backyard and can’t go out anymore, it’s time to see what use he can make of himself inside the house, to give you more free time to anxiously await the sound of the FBI knocking at your door. First thing’s first, get him trained in making hot drinks for you, once he gets it down, he can interrupt any other jobs he’s doing to tend to you, this will help with the stress of harbouring a fugitive and even the best COFFEE SHOPS NEARBY don’t have an alien barista. But after that, he ought to settle into a rhythm, doing things like putting the dishes away, keep it routine, you really want to use these repetitive jobs to wear his spirit down after his previous antics. He does have tiny legs and tiny arms so can’t reach the cabinets very well at all, but no matter, just get him a chair to laboriously climb onto with each dish and glass to put it away in the correct spot.
    Now, it’s around this time he may start dropping glasses, either accidentally in the process of climbing up to the cabinets, or intentionally as an act of dissent, either way, make sure to get your hardest belt out and give him a swift whip around the chops for each item he drops, and keep hitting him until he has cleaned up all the pieces and is back to work, it’s the only way he’ll learn. STRANGER THINGS KATE BUSH. Next on the list, he can do some laundry, just watch that he doesn’t try to hide in the laundry basket to escape; then he can hoover the floors, he tracked a lot of dirt back in with him when he came in from the garden, so it’s only fair; next he can snake the drain, the bathroom sink has been blocked for a couple weeks and his arms seem like the perfect size to wriggle in and pull out whatever is causing the trouble; finally, as you’ve got someone at your disposal that is immune to all human ailments (presumably), you can get him into the attic to get rid of all the asbestos, if it’s carcinogenic for us and he’s an alien, it probably means it’s good for him.
  4. Kill him. You don’t want to have a cancerous, short, little alien wandering around the place, keeping the dog on edge. His coughing at this point is beginning to really grate and you begin to wonder why the asbestos isn’t helping it. It’s really the kindest thing to do, you wouldn’t keep ET alive with lung cancer any more than you’d keep a dog alive with rabies. Sure, he’s less likely to bite someone than a rabid dog, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t already tried a few times in desperate bids to escape, and you don’t want to catch whatever he’s got. As you load the bullets into your revolver and lay the tarpaulin out in the living room, you may feel him tug at your heart by appealing to your humanity, or saying that he has formed a life-long friendship with your eleven year old son. So he’s a child groomer as well, is he? Shoot him now and save To Catch a Predator the trouble. He’s on his hands and knees, begging you not to pull the trigger, but the flimsy grasp he has on the English language is not enough to convince you as you hear the pitter-patter of government official boots walking up the driveway to investigate reports of an alien. There’s no Reese’s Pieces where you’re going, sunshine.



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Callum Gordon

Callum Gordon

The postman is here to deliver... comedy!