“This is getting ridiculous!” Babe Ruth exclaimed. “I’ve gotta say something, it feels like I’ve been in purgatory for years!”
“Don’t do it, Babe! You’ll get in trouble!” Frank Sinatra replied.
“I agree with Frank Sinatra, ja.” said Hitler.
“Look, Hitler. You can stay here singing My Way for another hundred years if you like, but I’ve got shit to do!” And with that Babe Ruth turned his back on his friends and marched right up to the reception desk. “I demand to know what’s going on here, pal! I didn’t do squat in my life other than hit homers and eat hot dogs, why am I still down here?” The receptionist was taken aback, it was a cushy job and there was about one complaint per decade.
“Let me see, what’s your name? I’ll check the system.”
“What’s my name??? Look here, pally. I’m Babe Ruth, The Bambino! Maybe you’ve heard of me?” Babe Ruth spluttered indignantly.
“Sorry, I died in 1453.” The receptionist replied. “B-A-B-E. Ok, says here you were some kind of ball player? Is that right? You don’t look the sort.” They continued, eyeing up his inauspicious gut from the counter.
“Damn right, it is. And I’ve been dead since 1948, so what gives?”
“You were only supposed to be in purgatory for a year Mr Ruth, you’ve been here 74 years too long. Why didn’t you say something?”
Babe’s face turned beet red, this was a most unwelcome development. How had he spent 74 years being friends with Adolf Hitler when he only needed to do it for one?
“Sorry for the misunderstanding, go right in.” The receptionist chimed. Suddenly, a pair of pearly, golden gates appeared before Babe’s eyes and swung open invitingly. He dutifully walked through and they clanged shut again just in time to bruise the shoulders of Adolf Hitler and Frank Sinatra as they tried to charge their way through. Their judgements would have to wait until another day.
“Hello, Babe.” A calm, transcendent voice called out across the cloud. A feeling of utter serenity washed through Babe’s body as this angelic being approached. “Don’t worry, you may be late, but you’ve got an eternity to catch up on what you’ve missed. I know what you’re thinking, do they play baseball in Heaven? And I’m happy to say that we do.” The angel beamed as they walked past a ball park with many happy players and fans.
“Actually my first question was going to be is my family here? It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen-”
“And hot dogs, as long as your leg, longer even!”
“Well, that does sound damn tasty.”
The angel continued giving Babe a tour of all the weird and wonderful things that he could do now he had finally made it to heaven, and Babe hungrily asked questions about what had been going on on Earth since he passed.
“Really? Red Sox didn’t win a world series for 86 years?” Babe Ruth laughed. “Those stupid New Englanders, they were probably too busy eating lobster and asking Tom Brady to marry them to actually get a win. How did they manage it in the end?”
“It’s a great story actually.” The angel replied. “They started using data to gain a statistical advantage over the rest of the league.”
“That doesn’t sound that great.” Said Babe.
“Well, they made a pretty good movie about the practice.” This made Babe stop in his tracks.
“A moo… vee…? What’s that?” Babe asked, with a puzzled look on his face.
“I think they had movies when you were alive, they’re like pictures that move.” The angel replied. Babe’s nonplussed expression didn’t adjust.
“What else has happened on Earth since I died?” Babe said as they continued walking. “Anything interesting?”
“Oh, all sorts. Blacks have the same rights as whites now!”
“Get out! You can’t be serious!” Babe chuckled as he waved a hand in dismissal.
“No, it’s true, and being a homosexual is actually legal now! I couldn’t believe it either when it happened!”
Babe Ruth waved at Oscar Wilde and Elton John as they walked past holding hands (I’m assuming Elton John dies before this is published).
“Well, I’ll be.” He muttered, with his hands on his hips. “Say, Angel, do you think anyone would be interested in hearing my thoughts on these current developments? Maybe if I was to start a podcast where I give my take on all the goings-on on Earth? They have invented podcasts by now, haven’t they?”
“They sure have, how do you know about podcasts?”
“I just had a feeling, there’s always been a gap in the market for it, it was only a matter of time. Well, that’s perfect, if you could produce it for me, and set up all of the audio, maybe get some guests, I say we record the first episode tomorrow!”
And that’s the story of how Babe Ruth’s Heavencast came to be! Make sure to look out for it on your podcast player, Sunday 9pm EST, Episode One — I’m Back and I’m LOVING Modern Hot Dogs!!! (+ gay rights reaction with special guest Hitler???)
Follow me on Twitter @CallumRG21.