How To Identify A Smart Person
Picture the scene, you’re in a big city high rise, the elevator glides up to the rooftop, it opens and in front of you and on the canvas of the city skyline is painted a picture of society at its finest. Beautiful people, drinking martinis and discussing their stock options. This is a Mensa meeting, the High-IQ Society, the peak of civilisation, by the end of the night they’ll all be back in their villas and grottos for a glass of wine, scrabble and a shag, to create the next wave of brainy superhumans. I am to your right, you look to me, in my Armani suit, I shoot you a confident smile and nod, we’ve made it. We both step out into the party and a burly security guard immediately tackles you to the ground and knocks you spark out. Sorry, you’re a stupid person, you don’t belong here with me and the rest of the self-styled cerebral celestials. You should have known better, we can spot one of you dummies from a mile away, there is no chance of you infiltrating. I cannot begin to explain to you what you need to change in your life and your psyche to become one of us. All I can offer you is the knowledge of how to identify the smart people around you, infrequent as we are, so you may better yourself by showing us the respect we deserve. Pay attention now, you may struggle to keep up.
First thing’s first, all Mensa members are atheists. This is because to believe in a deity is highly illogical when there is no proof. We believe in science, cold hard facts. If you go back in time and look at all the peasants who paid a tithe every month and believed in God, how many of them know the distance between Earth and Saturn? I would wager none of them, even if a handful do, it’s an extremely marginal amount. These peasants across the ages would all look to the sky in wonder, thinking “How did God create a world this beautiful?”. But if they would use their tiny pea brains to think for one second, they would realise the world is shit and God does not exist, like every rational person knows. To believe in any kind of higher power is to spit in the face of science and, call me crazy, but science should not be spat at. It should be caressed and loved like a wife.
If you ever find yourself being talked down to for enjoying something, be it a film, TV show, or book, if it’s called “lowbrow” and “not funny”, you can bet your bottom dollar that the person saying that is smart. Family Guy, Superbad, Friends, South Park, Rick and Morty, fart jokes. These are all pig swill produced for the hogs to oink at, they are consumed, as if through an IV drip, directly into the bloodstream, bypassing the brain and not engaging any cognitive synapses. Pathetic. Forget the form, function and themes of these pieces of media, cast them aside, they are not but mechanisms to make the lower people guffaw. Intelligent people can tell at a glance the true intellectual value of entertainment, usually through the collective wisdom of the hivemind. If you would like a real TV show to impress intellectuals, why not try Frasier, or perhaps even read a book? There’s a first time for everything I suppose!
But the main thing and, to be honest, I probably should have mentioned this first, is glasses. You can tell if someone is smart because they wear glasses.
