Earlier this week, for those of us in the United Kingdom, the news broke of a member of parliament (MP) from the Conservative party who has been arrested on suspicion of various sex crimes, as well as abuse of position of trust and misconduct in a public office. While our fine British justice system will no doubt be dealing with this case with the utmost severity and truth will prevail in time. In the meantime, in an unusual show of punishing a government minister’s wrongdoings, the Conservative whip has told them that they are not to appear on the parliamentary estate until their name has been cleared. In a world EXCLUSIVE, Cal Unchained Inc. has been able to access the audio recording from the meeting of their dismissal, the transcript is available below.
Now, so as not to jeopardise their trial, most UK news outlets have withheld the name of the accused. However, I notice that Conservative MP for Romford, Andrew Rosindell, hasn’t been turning up to the House of Commons recently, so we’ll use his name as a placeholder. Always the ones you least expect, isn’t it?
Without any further ado, here is the transcript of Rosindell’s chat with the senior Tory…
Boss:- So, Conservative MP for Romford, Andrew Rosindell, thanks for coming to meet with me today, I know it must be a trying time but I’m glad that you were able to find time for a lunch meeting in the visitations area of the Westminster Police Station, which was a convenient middle point between where we were both working today. Unfortunately, it’s bad news, we’re going to have to let you go due to the fact that you 100% definitely raped that woman.
Conservative MP for Romford, Andrew Rosindell:- Well, that’s fair enough. I am indeed Conservative MP for Romford, Andrew Rosindell and I 100% definitely raped that woman, I can’t deny that. That’s just in my nature, I’m a slimeball. Conservative MP for Romford, Andrew Rosindell is a slimeball who committed this act and many more yet to be revealed, and that’s me.
Boss:- I’m glad you are seeing sense. If there’s one thing we value in the Tory party above all else, it is frank honesty and facing up to your crimes, and that’s exactly what you’re doing here. Respect 👏👏👏 Classy touch 👏👏👏
Rosindell:- But there’s one thing I don’t quite understand, I know I’m guilty, and you know I’m guilty. But until it is proven beyond a reasonable doubt and I’m convicted by a jury of my peers, we could still technically deny it and pretend no one notices.
Boss:- What do you take us for?! This is the Conservative and Unionist Party, not some kind of shadowy cabal of privately-educated old school and university chums covering each other’s backsides from the repercussions of serious infractions at all costs! How dare you?!
Rosindell:- Okay, I suppose you’re right. To try and cover it up would be just as big a crime as the act (or indeed acts) that I’m being charged for.
Boss:- Exactly, which is why when I found about these infractions for the very first time today, I immediately came down here to meet you and tell you that you have to leave because you do not align with Conservative values. If I, or any Tory party member, had found about this before and not reported, or even tried to help you get away with it, what kind of people would we be?
Rosindell:- Lower than the lowest benefits scrounger, ma’am.
Rosindell:- What does the future hold for me after I am inevitably convicted then?
Boss:- Well, that’s not our problem, I’m afraid. You got into this mess on your own, did you really expect that we live in such an impotent society, and at the top of such a corrupt power structure that you could just get sentenced for your crimes, do a few years in prison, then come out and get a job at one of your friends’ shell companies specifically set up to dodge taxes and give high-paying jobs to their criminal friends? Did you really believe that? I feel sorry for you Andrew, that you would think so little of our political and justice system that you could ever entertain that as a possibility! This is the 21st century for heaven’s sake! You’ll rot in jail for your crimes and rightfully so.
Rosindell:- How many years do you think I’ll be in prison then? For a long time?
Boss:- Of course, you may be a rich white man, with a suit and a posh accent, but you’ll be treated like any working class ethnic minority who did the same thing. The sentence for your crime can be anywhere between 4 and 19 years, but if you expect to get off lightly just because the judge is from the same social class as you and thinks you’ve learned your lesson, then you’ve got another thing coming.
Rosindell:- And what about the party? Will you be alright going forward ? How will you possibly get along without me?
Boss:- It’ll be difficult, I can’t deny that. You upheld your duties to the good people of Romford and always gave your heart and soul to ensuring the little man had a voice, but we’ll just have to replace you as best we can. So far we’ve got Liz Truss making comments about woke culture. Michael Gove is telling people that cutting universal credit is necessary to pay for the MPs salary increase and Matt Hancock is going to take up the mantle of joining far right groups on Facebook. We’re getting by.
Rosindell:- Well, I appreciate you giving it to me frankly, and I wish you the very best in the future, just because I haven’t been able to succeed, doesn’t mean I wish any ill will on the politicians that I have been competing for positions of high status with over the years.
Boss:- Indeed. Well, I’d love to say it was good to catch up with you but honestly I hope I never see you again. You have stained out party’s pristine reputation in a way that we may never recover from. There are plenty of other viable parties for voters to vote for and I don’t expect that our status as a dominant party and one of only two real choices to vote for will insure against voters switching to parties with better moral standing. Goodbye, Mr Rosindell. And good luck.
Rosindell:- Before you leave, one more question. I know I’m not allowed on the parliamentary estate anymore, but will I still be getting paid.
Boss:- Of course! We can’t have you out on the street, can we?
Boss:- You’re too much of a danger to women to be out on the street.
And there it is. Stranger than fiction, and yet true. Thank you to my sources for locating the transcript and for naming the MP for me. I like how you said “I don’t care if you’re not supposed to name him, he’s a racist, classist, rapist dickhead who deserves the chair”, that really stuck with me.
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