Making Women More Masculine
Before you read this article, written in the hallowed halls of Unchained Co. Towers (under construction), just know it won’t just be a reading experience, it’ll be a living experience. I actually came up with the idea for this article about 30 seconds ago and didn’t write a headline so instantly forgot it, I have remembered it again now, that’s how powerful this idea is. Okay, talking about masculinity: let’s be topical.
Yesterday, the last relevant female candidate, Liz Warren, dropped out of the race to be crowned President of the United States and while we are all reeling about losing the opportunity to finally call a woman Mr President, we should take a moment to take stock and appreciate what went wrong in her campaign so that another woman may one day be there to pick up where she left off (The getting close part, not the part where she crashed and burned). How do you get by as a woman in a man’s world?
I’m sure I have loads of women reading this, they are my primary audience after all, due to my quaking good looks and sensitivity to women’s issues, I’m very aware that I have to gear my writing to an enormous female readerbase. No, I don’t mean a readerbase of enormous females, I would never judge a girl on her body like that. So I’m gonna help this gaggle of gigantic women: I’m gonna get under the hood, fix em up and help them to fly right again, you’ll be back on the water in no time.
First thing you can do is be taller. It’s a well known fact that the taller candidate has won every presidential election in the history of the country, America’s a messed up place. The shortest president ever was a miniscule, laughable 5'5". James Madison, he could never muster up an ounce of support due to none of his cabinet being able to see him over his desk or hear him from all the way down there. Can’t you just picture it? A little child in the midst of an oval office collapsing to rubble around him, all because he can’t reach the top shelf and the nuclear launch codes sitting on upon it.
Another thing women need to really work on, is to become better at being “the kinda guy you could see yourself going down the pub for a pint with”. This is a hard sell but you could get to work on this by buying pints for your fellow politicians, not hogging the snacks and nuts, and having good pub banter about football and fit girls. (It should be noted here that a lot of women do like football and know all about how shit a season Pepe is having at Arsenal, so please don’t test them by asking how many goals he scored this year, because no matter how goals he scores, the answer will always be zero)(Also, women are predisposed to knowing everything there is to know about who the fittest girls are, because they come from that same category)
I have, in a very roundabout way, come to the point that I didn’t realise I even wanted to make in this article. Well, that’s the secret to true girl power: man power! Obviously, women don’t need to be men if they want to get elected president! They just need to act like men in every single way, good and bad, commit their whole life to it, recognise that men don’t want to be told what to do by a woman, they want to be told what to do by a man. They are just more used to being shouted at by men: your boss, your doctor, your dealer. It’s very soothing really, the deep gravelly voice of a man reminds me of god and isn’t that who’s really in charge anyway.
Thanks for reading gals. See more @callumrg21 on Twitter.
