No Surrender to Keir Starmer’s Recycling Lackey
I was unsure how to respond when I was invited onto the country’s foremost political interview show. As a Labour MP, I’m not sure whether or not I’m allowed to express opinions. Nevertheless I ran it upstairs to the head honchos and to my surprise they all said it would be a welcome distraction from the whatever are the current woes of party politics as you’re reading this. Now I may not be some big city shadow cabinet minister that will be running the country after the next election, but I know all there is to know about Labour’s recycling bin policy, woefully overlooked in the recent manifesto, and if there’s one MP you can trust to give a glowing representation of waste plans, it’s yours truly.
I replied to the interview producer with a list of approved questions, including “What colour should the food waste bins be?” and “Do residents have the inalienable right to paint house numbers onto their bins?” (No). They promptly replied telling me that they rejected all my suggestions and what kind of interview would it be if I wrote my own questions. I wrote back an apologetic email, excusing myself profusely for my suggestions and backing down to merely insisting that all questions be recycling-bin-based or at least recycling-bin-adjacent. They told me to be there at 7am the next day and they’d be asking me whatever the fuck they liked. Proud of myself for getting the interview sorted, I rewarded myself with a Crunchie from the fridge and set out my clothes for the next day.
I had arrived at 7am as instructed but found myself waiting by the front door in no small amount of precipitation for two hours. It appears my correspondent forgot to account for the fact that their office doesn’t open until 9am. When I was eventually ushered in through the glass doors I was relieved to find, not a hostile interviewer waiting for me, but a lovely warm cup of tea. As I approached it I saw a hand reach down to pick up the cup of tea and take a sip. That hand, as it turned out, belonged to a rather hostile interviewer, as did the cup of tea. Naïve of me to assume it was mine. It was only another 30 tea-free minutes before I was sat down under the studio lights, with that same interviewer glaring over her clipboard at me and counting down from lights, to camera, and then followed, as I’m sure you know, by action. Which was subsequently followed by an hour of the vilest stream of abuse I have ever found myself subjected to.
Interviewer: Hello, Callum Gordon, MP for Littleton and Pindleby. Welcome to Polititalk.
Me: Thank you for having me, it’s a pleasure to be on the show.
Interviewer: I’m sure it is, especially since we don’t normally allow vermin inside the studio.
Me: (slightly taken aback, quickly composing myself) Well, that seems like a good policy. And it actually brings me on to the topic of pest control within the household recycling bin, you see-
Interviewer: So just how distraught were you when the Conservatives reduced inflation in the last quarter?
Me: I- I- I wasn’t distraught at all, I welcome any improvement in our economy.
Interviewer: Wrong! You were gutted! You hate to see a fiscally-sound, strong and stable government succeeding when your precious reds haven’t had any success since Yuri Kovshov and his comrades won gold at the dressage in 1980.
Me: Well, I’m sorry to say my knowledge of the equestrian category of the 1980 Olympics isn’t what it once was but I assure you, my sympathies in that particular discipline now lie firmly with Zara Phillips and the rest of our exceptional Great British team.
Interviewer: I suppose that’s for our loyal viewership to decide, isn’t it?
Me: Absolutely, I apologise for my presumptiveness.
Interviewer: Second question, how do you rate Labour’s chances of winning a majority in the upcoming general election?
Me: One always has to go into these competitions with an element of confidence and the polls are showing we have reason to be optimistic. But that is no reason to let complacency-
Interviewer: Actually, Mr Gordon, I’m just getting word from our producers that a new poll came out just in the time that we have been conducting this interview that has our lot — that is to say, the Conservative Party — leading the polls by a solid 20-point margin.
Me: That seems high.
Interviewer: So you admit it’s hopeless?
Me: Well, I admit things don’t look great for us right now, but we’re going to fight for every vote.
Interviewer: Are you suggesting the possibility of a violent uprising if you don’t win your seat?
Me: We can’t rule anything out. Wait, I mean, no! Can we please just talk about the recycling situation?
Interviewer: Of course. You’ve been Shadow Minister for Recycling Bins and Household Waste for five years now, or should I say People’s Commissar for Reutilisation and Domestic Refuse Oversight?
Me: That’s right. The first bit, not the soviet version.
Interviewer: Soviet? Who ever said anything about soviets, Mr Gordon? I think that must be a bit of a Freudian slip, something planted in your head by Keir Stalin- I mean, Keir Stasi- I mean Keir Starmer.
Me: Sir Keir would never. He’s been vocal many times about his opposition to the proletariat.
Interviewer: Be that as it may, I believe we have a video to show you of your beloved leader at a recent Labour party meeting.
(An old-school large CRT TV is wheeled in and both look at it. A video plays on the screen showing the end of a shadow cabinet meeting. All attendees are filing out of the meeting room as Keir Starmer puts a hand on Ed Miliband’s shoulder and the pair stay behind. Starmer sits on the table and leans back in a cool, relaxed manner.)
Starmer: How much pussy have you tapped?
Miliband: Sorry?
Starmer: How much? Like a lot or…?
(Keir Starmer flicks his tie over his shoulder casually, Ed Miliband starts to leave)
Starmer: What’s your favourite sex position? Hey! Don’t walk out on me, I’m talking to you!
(Video ends)
Interviewer: Believe it or not, that is just one of approximately 50 such videos that we have acquired.
Me: I believe it.
Interviewer: Are you not ashamed that this is your leader?
Me: I think it’s absolutely inappropriate behaviour in any workplace and especially in a-
Interviewer: No, not about that. Are you not embarrassed that your so-called people’s hero is a man who is quite clearly desperate to give the impression that he has had a lot of sex? Not just to the voting population, but to individual colleagues… some of whom clearly care very little.
Me: I think the important thing here is policy.
Interviewer: In that case, let me read you off a few policies that Keir Starmer has promised to institute should he form the next government. Firstly, he has promised “Free XXL condoms for big shaggers in Number 10”.
Me: That doesn’t seem…
Interviewer: He has also pledged to introduce a law that will reduce spending caps for MPs on any items available for purchase in Victoria’s Secret.
Me: I think-
The interview then went on like this for the next fifty minutes. I couldn’t really get a word in edgeways and never got a chance to mention my reforms to wheelie bin sizes.
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