PRESS RELEASE: BAE Systems x UK Government
Official Communication from BAE Systems, arms; security; and aerospace, in collaboration with His Majesty’s Government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
26th September 2022
In honour of World Environmental Health Day 2022, BAE Systems and the UK Government are delighted to announce the next stage of their successful collaboration, including many recycling and energy-efficient initiatives in order to reduce our combined carbon footprint. Following in the footsteps of energy companies’ enterprising efforts to reduce the impacts of climate change by putting restrictions on how much energy the average UK citizen can use without going bankrupt, we have seen that urgent change is needed in the defence sector to match this.
BAE Systems has been an global industry leader in the weapons sector since its establishment in 1999 (two and four years before British involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq respectively) and has gone from strength to strength since. As of 2017, BAE Systems is the single largest arms manufacturer in the UK and has since become the largest in Europe. Our products include: civil and military aerospace, defence electronics, naval vessels, munitions, and land warfare systems. If you are a British soldier, propaganda’d into joining the army at the age of 18 because the state welfare system left you no other alternative than to risk your life and destroy others in the military, you can bet the bullet you just used to take the life of that Middle-Eastern insurgent was manufactured by BAE! If not that, then the gun you’re holding, the tank you’re riding in, or the mines that you placed to send his brother’s spirit from the mortal realm will almost certainly been made with the BAE seal of approval.
Major players in BAE Systems include notorious paedophile Sir Roger Carr, with experience on the board of eight companies. Also Chair of the English National Ballet, Carr will retire from his post in 2023 with a K/D of 29,252/0. The current CEO of BAE Systems, Ben Woodburn, will remain in his post for the foreseeable future, as he is due to receive a loyalty bonus of £2million at the end of 2023, in addition to the £3million he has already received from his work as the grim reaper’s assistant. Both of these leaders acknowledge that they are standing on the shoulder’s of giants in the industry and have sought to emulate companies like Thyssen and Krupp that donated large sums to the Nazi party in 1930s Germany with the intention of starting World War 2 and killing tens of millions. To do this, BAE Systems have given $1,188,135 in political donations in North America alone. Former employees of BAE Systems have also received $5,420,000 for roles as lobbyists in just 2021 and 2022, we’d like to see Thyssenkrupp do that!
The UK Government have been trustworthy partners of BAE Systems since our formation. Pro-suffering policy initiatives in recent decades like intervention in Kosovo, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and Syria have been of great benefit to BAE Systems and this is all expected to continue under the new administration of Liz Truss, a major player in negotiating arms trade deals between the United Kingdom and Saudi Arabia in her time as International Trade Secretary. BAE Systems would like to congratulate the honourable Liz Truss on her successful coup and put on record that it is great to see diversity in the workplace, it falls in line with BAE Systems own pride to work side by side with the men and women who keep us safe.
That is why, on this World Environmental Health Day, BAE Systems and the UK Government would like to announce further steps to be taken in our ambition to achieve net zero. A year ago, we joined the United Nations’ Race to Zero campaign, making progress with more to go.
We are delighted to announce, that, as of August 2022, all BAE munitions have been made from 100% recycled materials! It is with great pride that we can say that when a Yemeni child is killed by a shell explosion, we know with certainty, that the metal used to make that shell has already taken the lives of many others, in its previous forms of bullets, guns, and machetes. This is largely due to the success of our “Bring Back a Bullet” scheme, in which soldiers and mercenaries were encouraged to enter no man’s land at the end of the day, in order to collect used guns, ammunition, and blades, that may be on a fallen comrade, or embedded in their skull, and would be rewarded with 5p in credit, to be used for food rations. A big round of applause please for all of our fabulous participants, we couldn’t have done it without you!
While it has been a successful scheme, it is also one that the time has come to wrap up. It is no longer sustainable to ask human beings to collect their used bullets from dead enemies, due to the inherent selfish nature of man, we at BAE Systems realised we must go further and bring all of our activism in-house. We have been working very hard behind-the-scenes on solutions to the waste caused by global warfare, and we have something very exciting to announce today. The first fully-compostable automatic rifle bullet! No matter where in the body, the bullet gets lodged, once fired and stripped of its protective coating, it is guaranteed to decompose within 72 hours, or even as little as 48 if it lies in the internal organs of a battlefield casualty. All this without sacrificing munitions effectiveness, and still being made from 100% recycled material.
It is also with great pride that we can reveal details of our efforts to reduce the carbon footprint of others in Yemen. There are many outdated institutions and buildings in the major urban areas of the country that, without proper insulation and solar panels, are extremely energy-inefficient. We can reveal that recent air-strikes from our aircrafts, developed as part of the F-35 Lightning II programme, have destroyed many polluting Red Cross and MSF Hospitals in Yemen, and responsible for a staggering 73% of all Yemeni chemical waste in the local wildlife (probably). Reducing net emissions and harmful toxic chemical runoff from some of the country’s busiest institutions.
But, here at BAE Systems, we recognise that it’s not enough just to reduce our carbon footprint, we have to fight to make a positive difference. That is why, in the Saudi-Arabian intervention in Yemen, for which we are providing the tools of destruction, we hereby commit to planting one tree for each battlefield death (civilians not included). It takes all our best effort to stop climate change, let’s do it together!
Thank you for reading our official communication. We are very excited to see what the future looks like for sustainability and eco-awareness in the defence sector.
Interjection: This statement was supposed to be a parody, I thought “Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if an arms manufacturer promoted things like recycling and going carbon neutral?”. But going on the main website of BAE Systems, you’d be amazed at how prominent Environment and Climate Change actually are. Funnily enough, they do tend to advertise that to the general public more than how many lives been prematurely ended by their products. Check it out. https://www.baesystems.com/en/home
This was a really difficult article to write purely because there are a million different evil things this company does that I could click on in my research but I had to contain myself, or I would never finish writing. All my sources are below if anyone is interested in some further reading. And if you would like to learn what you can do to protest some of this shit, visit https://www.stopwar.org.uk/