Space Voyage Diary
Day 1-
I have left my wife and my infant daughter behind and I now know how Hansel and Gretel’s parents must have felt when they had to abandon their children in the woods because they couldn’t afford to feed them. It has caused a rift in my soul unlike any other I have experienced before, I know this is for the good of mankind but I’ll be on this ship for a year and yet I can’t contemplate even a single week without their smiling faces. How I will pass those days with only my fellow astronaut Darren for company is, as yet, a mystery to me. He seemed nice in bootcamp but we don’t have any of the same interests, he keeps trying to talk to me about cryptocurrencies despite my insistence that we have no internet to purchase them and no knowledge of how they are performing. I can only hope that eventually he will run out of things to say, I mean he only has a finite amount of information up to the point we departed. Why can’t he be normal and chat about interesting things like sports? Is he not wondering how the Arsenal have been getting on since we left? For example if you were to ask me I would say I personally think they might have won the last game, but I look forward to finding out for sure when we return. Nevertheless I will be keeping the league table filled in with what is probably going on so I am all up to date. Oh, how I miss my family! This bitcoin nerd is little comfort in the vast loneliness of space and already returning to my darling wife is all I can think about.
Day 7-
I actually don’t miss my family as much as I thought I would, Control says we’re allowed to call them once a day but I’ve only called them once and they were really boring, just talking about work and nursery, so I decided to tell them that it’d be really difficult to communicate with them because of the star distance and the particle waves etc. Besides, there’s so much more interesting stuff to do up here, they’ve kitted us out with all the video game consoles we requested. Darren and I have been playing Monkey Target on the Gamecube pretty much the whole time. I hope Control can’t hear these diaries but I actually haven’t even done any of the experiments with plants or logging of flight data that they told us to. I’ve got to remember to catch up on that soon, I’ll do it this afternoon. Darren hasn’t been doing it either, he ran out of cryptocurrency chat after about 3 days and we’ve been getting on really well since. We both agreed that seeing as we’re going to be up here for so long, actually doing the tasks assigned doesn’t really matter that much and it would save a lot of hassle if we just did it all in the last week. I’ve still been updating the league table and, if I’m right about all the results, Arsenal are top of the league! Big game against Spurs yesterday that I think we might have just about edged.
Day 20-
I haven’t updated the diary for a while but I figured I probably should given that we’re getting further from Earth, we passed Mars earlier today and I realised I’ve not recorded a diary in two weeks, oops! Not much going on here to update to be honest, we’re getting really good at Monkey Target but it’s reaching the point where it’s all about the fine margins as we generally both get a bullseye on every level, having another game in a few minutes that I’ve got to get ready for now! Thank god they sent us up here with so many microwave meals as well, haven’t even had time to cook with the amount of time we’ve spent on the Gamecube.
Day 23-
Darren has died. This is a serious bummer. I just know I’m going to have to talk to his children and his wife when we get back about how heroic he was but honestly, he just fell asleep when he was eating and choked on a Wotsit, by the time I got back from the toilet there wasn’t anything I could do. I’ll miss him dearly, he was great company in the end. But there’s only about 300 days left of the voyage and I’m sure I can cope by myself! Honestly, some time away from the family has been just what I needed, a little me-time, really get some headspace, it’s been good for me. But anyway, rest in peace, Darren.
Day 27-
I’m finding it quite hard to pass the time now. There are a lot of DVDs in the cinema room that have been enjoyable time-killers, a bit of Isle of Dogs, a bit of Knives Out, lovely stuff. I’m managing to keep in good spirits up here by myself and have even made a start on some of the experiments with tomato plants. They don’t do too great in space it seems, who knew. I wish I had remembered this diary earlier but honestly I’ve been making the best of it, writing my novel, working out in the mornings, started cooking for myself, don’t know what I’ll do this evening though, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Day 29-
I’m getting seriously bored now. I haven’t even tried playing Monkey Target without Darren. I know for a fact that it’s the competitive edge that makes that game any kind of fun, otherwise you’re just rolling a monkey in a ball down a ramp and onto a landing pad, where’s the joy in that? Plus I don’t like to go in the games room much anyway cos Darren’s body is really beginning to stink. They didn’t say what we were supposed to do if one of us died in the ship so I’ve kind of just left him there in case I get in trouble for moving it.
Day 30-
I’m boooored. efebfbddkqwjd hahaha, oh my god I don’t know what to do this afternoon, I think I’ll watch another movie. Arsenal could only manage a draw at home to Burnley, I assume. Which has really put a dent in our title challenge if it’s right.
Day 31-
I’m starting to wish it was possible to record more than one of these a day, but at least knowing that there is only one chance means I am forced to make the most of it, this is one of the last fun things to do on this ship, and that’s something to be treasured… So anyway, I umm… I did a walk around the whole ship today to see what was there… Ummm I’ll record another one of these tomorrow… if I can think of something interesting to do, I guess… Oh look, a shooting star! Oh, I just saw a shooting star outside the window but obviously you can’t see that. Umm yeah I guess that’s it.
Day 32-
Dear Slim, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got ‘em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin’
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot ‘em
But anyways, fuck it, what’s been up? Man how’s your daughter?
My girlfriend’s pregnant too, I’m ‘bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I’m a call her?
I’ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie rudadadaduh
I uhduh err- kill himself over some bitch who didn’t want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Sting
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did ruhruhruhruh, that shit was fat!
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, your bigges- y-yours, th- fuck!
