Sperm Bank Account
All keen investors who happen to read this investment blog of mine will assuredly already be aware of the financial crisis that we are in the midst of. There’s a war in a place that actually matters, instigated by a country with an actually important economy and for some reason that has fucked up all my shit. Sanctions on Russian oil have created a chain reaction that has led to record lows in the stock market (fuel prices are bad too but I don’t drive haha fuck you). What this means in practicality is that if you, like me, had any money invested in stocks and shares, that is now disappearing. Very quickly. I don’t want to create a state of panic but if you haven’t taken all of your money out of every account and investment, you’re not thinking straight. A few days ago I went to my local bank and took out every pound I have, ran straight home with it all stuffed into my jacket and put it into a shoebox and under my bed, safe. But as a prudent investor, I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking, now what? I’m not some mug, I’m not going to let my money lose value to inflation and not gain a little bit of profit for myself while the world is going to shit. While doing research for possible solutions to my money troubles, a mysterious advert popped up, for London Sperm bank. It was one of those lightbulb moments, something inside me said “This is the one, pursue it.” The next day I was down at my local branch ready to make the next step. Liquid assets.
If I’m being totally frank with you, when I first walked into the Hammersmith sperm bank I was slightly disappointed, there seemed to be nothing separating it from any other ordinary bank. I had expected there to be water coolers full of semen, maybe massive dildos instead of office plants in the corners. But if you had told me it was just a bog standard high street branch of a Barclays or an HSBC, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. There were cash machines, tellers, pamphlets on financial advice and elderly women queuing up to make a withdrawal. A hint of revulsion danced across my face as I thought about the decrepit, nasty old lady in front of me taking someone’s sperm home and doing God knows what with it. But I guess that’s what this is, I wouldn’t be able to turn a profit on this investment and save up for a house if it wasn’t for people like her, as disturbing as it is.
After some time I got to the front of the queue, a young woman was standing to attention behind the counter ready to assist me.
“Excuse me, I don’t suppose I could speak to a man, could I?” I said. This was my first time after all.
“Excuse you indeed, I went to university for 4 years to do this job! I manage the accounts of some of the richest men in the country!” She bit back.
“I know, I’m really sorry. I just would feel a bit more comfortable with a bloke, can you understand?”
She strutted off in a huff and a few seconds later, a man emerged from the back room, with a gentle smile.
“Sorry about that. Hi, I’m Mark, how can I help you?”
“Hey Mark. I’m thinking about starting an account here and would like to learn more about how it all works. Can you talk me through it?”
He silently beckoned me around the side of the counter with his finger and led me over to a door marked Vault. With a flourish, he pulled a large key from his inside pocket and brandished it in front of my face.
“This bad boy is gonna show you all you need to know about the little operation that we have going on here.”
At this point I’m intrigued, entranced even. I watch my new friend Mark unlock the vault door in complete silence. He ushers me through first into a dark room before following me in, firmly closing the door and flicking the light switch. Suddenly, I’m blinded by the room around me, to my left is walls upon walls of sealed plastic tubs, containing the most illustrious sperm in history. According to the labels, just ahead of me was Mars, Bruno; Manson, Charles; and Malcolm, in the Middle. I didn’t even have time to question whether Frankie Muniz’s character was ever not a child in that show and whether they had harvested it from an underage child actor before I turned around and saw something even more impressive on the other side. Gold bars. piled up to the ceiling, there must have been thousands of tonnes on the front row alone. They glistened in my eyes, the whites opposite reflected in that brilliant metal, this couldn’t be real. But it was. I was already in no doubt, this is where my money had to be invested, it simply had to be. I looked back at Mark behind me, he had a smile on his face, presumably it was as simple as this convincing everyone to invest. I looked back to the gold, back to the sperm, back to Mark. He had put the key back into his pocket and instead pulled out his phone, the screen of which he was holding up to my face with it opened on the app store page for an app called Spermify. It featured line graphs going up, green % signs and arrows pointing every which way but down. Mark gave me a wink, put a hand on my shoulder and opened his mouth:
“Trade sperm like a pro”
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