Still Waters Rum Deep: Captain Bollytadger and The Foreign Badger

To no one’s surprise, Larry confiding in the woman whom he proceeded to push into a river was a slight misstep. And by sun-up, the whole town was buzzing with anticipation of the famous talking badger and the river-pushing vagabond who had so freely advertised him. A crowd of idle onlookers was gathered around the docks, waiting for a shipful of medical professionals with a talking, back-sassing badger in their cohort. As the first mate, Larry’s quarters were right above the throng of the noise, waking him early with their travelling chatter. With a pounding headache, still mostly drunk from what was only a few hours previous, he raised his head off the pillow.

“Oh heavens! What did I say last night?” Larry exclaimed as he peeked out the window and looked upon the bustling crowd. He hoisted himself out of bed and, not before standing still for about 30 seconds to regain his balance, made for the rest of the ship. Larry usually had the responsibility of waking the crew up for breakfast, he had to make sure they got up at a reasonable time for a decent meal, after all, they couldn’t plunder on an empty stomach. But he was clearly late as the first few crew members were already starting to emerge from their quarters.
“Are we in Port Oswald yet, Larry?” Dancer said with a yawn, he was much less energetic early in the morning.
“Indeed we are, brought us in a few hours ago. I’ll go ask Chef whether breakfast is ready, won’t be a minute!” Larry called back, semi-running down to the kitchen. He turned through the door to the kitchen to see the chef with his feet up and reading a newspaper. “Top of the morning, Chef. Is breakfast ready yet?” He asked sheepishly.
“Is it fuck. Take a look for yourself.” Chef gestured across to the 28 slices of black, charred toast, sitting on the side. While illustrative of how late Larry had awoken, he couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t just stopped toasting it. But, no matter, the rest of the breakfast looked good to go and perfectly cooked.

After an apology, Larry helped Chef dish up the 14 full English breakfasts (sans toast), and called the crew into the mess hall to tuck in. Captain Bollytadger was last to enter the fray and arrived with a big slap on the back for Larry.
“Righto, chums. We have arrived in Port Oswald!” Larry announced, to big cheers from the pirates through mouthfuls of baked beans and scrambled eggs. Wiping non-proverbial egg off his face, Larry continued. “I’d like to remind you all that we will be here for at least a week and no one wants to have to cut the holiday short because one of us couldn’t stop acting like a pirate. So, we are strictly to act as medical practitioners for the duration of our stay here. There will be no stealing, no assault, and most importantly you all have to memorise five long words from this.” He slammed a medical dictionary down on the table.

“Odds are, no one will press you, but if you do get caught in a lie, just think on your feet and you’ll be fine.” He finished with a smirk, remembering the narrow escape he masterminded at the end of last night.
“But most importantly, have fun, lads!” Bollytadger chimed in. The crew gave one last cheer, hastily finished their breakfast, and got ready to descend upon the town.

In the captain’s quarters, Captain Bollytadger and the foreign badger were sorting through the captain’s wardrobe, looking for the perfect outfit to introduce themselves to this new town.
“What do ye think?” The captain queried, holding up a gaudy blue Hawaiian shirt.
“I say this with love, hombre, but you’re nowhere near fat enough to pull that off.” The badger answered, hunting through Bollytadger’s sock drawer. “Here you go, try this on.” He said, handing the captain a complete lightweight outfit, frilly white socks with Gucci sliders, tight white trousers, and a salmon tank top to wear underneath his white jacket and captain’s hat. It was the perfect fit.
“Arrrr, badger, ye’ve done it again, matey!” Bollytadger gushed. They applied their sun cream and emerged out onto the deck to their admiring public. The captain was greeted with audible gasps and excited murmurs as he walked across to the slipway. “Thank ye! What a terrific town!”

Just as the words of appreciation left his lips, the crowds murmurs began to turn to cheers and claps. Bollytadger looked around and saw that the badger had just come around the parapet and was fully visible to the crowd.
“Badger, oh my god! Badger!” A small child in the crowd, on her father’s shoulders, was audible above the crowd. Bollytadger’s face turned as pink as his tank top (it clashed horribly). He tried to win the crowd back by doing some fearsome captain-like stances, but it was no use.
“¡Hola, mi amigos!” The badger waved as he awkwardly walked down the slipway. Shouts of ‘He talks!’, ‘What does amigos mean?’, and ‘I love his accent!’ emanated from the crowd. Bollytadger slinked down in a sulk after the badger, no eyes on him whatsoever, and no one exclaiming about his decidedly unexotic accent. Once down to crowd level, the badger turned to face his captain and said “Sorry about this, ese. Let’s go find somewhere quiet to start with.”

They pushed their way through the crowd and quickened their stride towards the first quiet establishment they could see, a tavern across the street, it looked quite empty, as taverns tend to at eight o’clock on a Wednesday morning. But it was a perfect quiet place for the pirate duo to go and only a few of the interested locals were unemployed enough to follow the captain and the badger into the tavern, the rest went back to their businesses to get ready for the day’s trade, or simply walked on to the now unattended Topless Mermaid and started looking for things to take. As the two approached the door of The Hope and Anchor, they heard a loud smack, followed by an even louder thud, and they opened the door to see Larry, lying supine on the floor with his hat and eyepatch knocked off him and bearing two black eyes. Standing over him was a very angry-looking, dark-haired woman rubbing her fist with a grimace. This was quite the sight for Bollytadger and the badger to walk in to, they hurried over to Larry to help him up, though it took a great amount of effort as he was obviously pretty dazed.

“Crumbs, what a hook. It’s a good thing I’m still drunk.” Larry said as he managed to regain a seating position, before immediately falling back down into unconsciousness.
“Then I’ll just have to make sure I get you again after we sober up.” Vanessa said.
“What, in Davy Jones’s locker, is going on here?!” Bollytadger bellowed up at Vanessa.
“¿Are you loco, bitch?” The badger added.
“That prick pushed me into the river last night!” Vanessa shouted, pointing at her still-wet hair. The badger and Bollytadger looked quite taken aback, as did the few other crew members that had arrived in The Hope and Anchor with Larry.
“Arrrr, well fair enough then, I suppose.” Bollytadger broke the silence. “I didn’t realise Larry had been out last night. What on earth compelled him to do a dastardly thing like that?”
“You’ll have to ask him.” Vanessa fumed.
“Right, well let’s wake him up then, we need to get the whole story.” Bollytadger put his hand in the air and looked at the barman. “One shot of whisky please!” The barman hurried to it, pouring a shot and rushing it over to the huddle on the floor. Where Bollytadger promptly took it and poured it down Larry’s open neck. Larry’s eyes opened, as much as they could, and the captain started patting his pockets for some money to give to the barman.
“No need.” The barman said. “Your friend’s still got a few drinks left in the bank from last night.”
“Christ, Larry!” Bollytadger exclaimed, as they lifted him onto the shoulders of Bollytadger and another pirate, “How long were ye here last night?”
“Corrr,” Larry was thinking “Two hours, maybe?”

They sat him down at the nearest table, he fell off his seat, they picked him up and sat him down again. They all looked at Larry expectantly, except Vanessa, who looked at him, but like she might punch him again at any moment.
“Well?” Bollytadger prompted.
“What?” Larry said.
“Care to tell us what this fine lass did to get pushed into the river in the middle of the night?”

“Right, you know how we’re medical practitioners?” Larry said, trying to wink through his black eyes at the captain and failing miserably. Bollytadger mumbled something in agreement and Larry continued, then, between him and Vanessa, regaled Bollytadger and the badger with all of the previous night’s events, not without coming to blows repeatedly over how they remember minor, irrelevant details and Larry getting punched two more times. They told all to the eager listeners, right up until the moment that Larry disappeared after assaulting Vanessa.
“So that’s why everyone was waiting dockside to see the badger, Larry?” Bollytadger asked. “Ye couldn’t keep yer damn mouth shut and then aggravated yer confidant by throwing her in the river. Well thank ye for exposing our secret to the whole town!”
“I apologise for calling you a loco bitch, lady.” The badger proffered.
“Well thank the heavens, there be an obvious solution to this. Tommy, Sandy, fetch some bandages from the ship for Vanessa’s mother. God-willing, she won’t have bled out yet.” Bollytadger issued to one of the pirates listening in. “Dancer, Welsh, throw Larry in the river.” And with that Bollytadger got up and made his way to the bar, while two more pirates grabbed a fairly passive Larry and carried him out of the pub with little resistance.
“Thank you, Bollytadger, your kindness and sense of justice truly knows no bounds!” Vanessa said “And your trousers are absolutely delightful!” Bollytadger felt himself blushing again, but in the good way this time. “But what on Earth is the story behind this remarkable space age watch, badger? I’ve never seen anything like it.” She carried on, reaching for the trademark Casio wristwatch adorning the badger’s wrist. Bollytadger turned back to face the bar, this was going to be a long week.

The pirates masquerading as MDs spent the rest of that day in various states of dysfunction, after the shock of being upstaged by a mere badger and then seeing Larry dropped like a sack of shit in the first pub, Bollytadger hit the bottle, hard, and the bottle hit back. The badger, not wanting to see the captain make a fool of himself alone, matched him drink for drink. Before lunchtime they were bent double over the dock, ejecting the contents of their stomach into the sea. But one hearty lunch later and they were at it again, going further into town, they were finally out of sightline of The Topless Mermaid by four o’clock and, based on the state they were in, they were unsure if they would ever see it again. By teatime, they were almost falling over themselves leaving a delightful tapas bar in their wake. Everywhere they went, Bollytadger would receive compliments on his outfit, but it very quickly reached the point where he was too drunk to even hear the comments, as all he could pay attention to was keeping his friend, the badger, from getting into any trouble. Women approached the badger too, asking to dance, asking about his watch, but he was in no fit state to answer. After spewing on the shoes of a wealthy dowager, they were generally left alone for the night. Left so alone that no café or tavern would allow them entry, no matter how many times they banged their fists on the, as it turns out, unlocked doors. They kept following the river up the hill, stopping at each bar, café, restaurant, pub, tea room or picnic table they saw and asking to be let in, but the amount of blood and vomit on their previously delightful clothes at what was still a pretty modest time in the evening was too much even for the famously bawdy town of Port Oswald. Eventually the river led them out of the town centre, past the peripheral houses, and up onto the wold overlooking the town, it was a gorgeous view of the sun setting over the houses and the ships in the distance. Bollytadger and the badger came to a stop and sat down, heads spinning, on the grass.

“Be honest, badger lad, when ye left the sausage-maker in Zarajena, did ye ever imagine yeself having this much fun?” Bollytadger asked, though with a lot more slurring and hiccupping between words than I can convey with text.
“¡That bratwurst lederhosen cabron was so boring, man! ¿What’s the point in dressing in a smock so fine if the only thing you ever do is spill sauerkraut on it?” The badger replied, stopping to exhale every few syllables.
“I thought he was Spanish? It was chorizo, wasn’t it?” Bollytadger said.
“Yeah yeah, chorizo. What did I say?” The badger wondered.
“Bratwurst, I think.”
“No no, that’s not right, it was definitely chorizo, man. I can still smell it on me.”

Captain Bollytadger leaned over and practically fell onto the badger trying to take a whiff of him.
“God, that’s delicious. They sure can grind a sausage, those Germans.” He said, licking his lips. “Did anyone ever take your watch off you in that town?”
The badger paused for a bit and then sighed. “One guy. Dios mio. I got it back quickly, hombre, don’t you worry. The sausage man retrieved it for me as soon as he heard what had happened. But the guy never recovered, he was a young boy, can’t have been older than 20. I think he was just trying to impress a chica that he liked… it didn’t work. Even after losing the watch, he never got his mojo back… He died a year later. Ay ay ay.” The badger seemed exhausted from the sheer act of recounting such a heavy story, he fell backwards onto the grass with his eyes closed and let out a big sigh.
“What went wrong with the lass? How did he die?” Bollytadger asked, but he looked to his side and the badger seemed to have passed out. “Nevermind, let’s get you to bed.”

Bollytadger picked up his friend and carried him in his arms back down the hill, dropping him only a few times, then back into town, past all the taverns and bars that were now alive with party atmosphere. Sandy and Dancer tried to pull their captain into some hurly burly dance club as he went past, but when they saw his shoddy attempt to keep in time with the tap, stomp, slap knee, lock arms with neighbour and spin around routine, they let him pick the badger up from the cloakroom and go back to the ship. When they finally reboarded The Topless Mermaid it was all quiet, a few of the crew were nipping back to change into their going-out clothes, but they said a quick goodnight to Bollytadger and let him be on his way. He went into his quarters and lay the badger down into his cosy bed of hay and dirt. Just then, right as the captain turned around, it caught his eyes again, the face of the Casio lit up in a blue so luminescent and magical. Bollytadger must have accidentally pressed one of the buttons as he put the badger down. The captain paused, the badger was sound asleep, but the captain’s head was spinning and as soon as the watchface went dim again, he collapsed backwards onto his own human bed. For the best, he thought, as he faded into sleep, he didn’t want to end up like that poor kid, lacking mojo forevermore.

Chapter 5 of Captain Bollytadger and The Foreign Badger, A True Plunderdog Story, is out next Friday, 21st October

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