Sunak's License to Drill

Callum Gordon
4 min readAug 8, 2023

Let it never be said that Rishi Sunak is not committed to stopping climate change.

I’ll be the first to admit, when I was shown earlier this week that our Prime Minister had granted as many as a hundred new licenses to drill for oil and gas, I was sceptical to say the least. Could this be right? Rishi Sunak is an elected politician, he belongs to one of the greatest democracies in the modern world. He wouldn’t do something so evil, so brazen, to violate public demand in such a fashion. This manner of wrecking the national environment for short-term political gain might fly in Brazil, but a British politician could never, right?

Therefore, you can imagine my relief when Sunak reassured the British public that ripping a new arsehole in the North sea and pulling out as many fossil fuels as we can is actually totally consistent with the government’s net-zero carbon emissions target! Well, that’s a load off my mind, I thought we could be in real trouble for a moment there.

As long as we have an arbitrary climate goal set in the far distant future of 2050, such a far away year it’s almost impossible to imagine, we can do whatever we want to destroy the planet in the meantime. It’ll all be righted the residing government in 2049 suddenly remembers they have to do that and then just flick the switch turning off all fossil fuels in the country, plunging us into a new dark age armageddon. I mean, what’s the alternative? No meaningful change being made and then the net-zero target constantly being postponed as the can is kicked down the road to the next government? I think all politicians know that’s not sustainable and they would never ignore long-term consequences like that.

Whatever the case for future governments, I know Rishi Sunak is a man of principles, so whether or not he is the Prime Minister in 26 years time (and I think we’re all crossing our fingers), we can rely on Sunak to hold the government to account from the sidelines and insist that they maintain that target. The only problem would be if he didn’t live long enough. 2050 is a long way away and, dependent on the progress of the rudimental homemade rifle of whichever Just Stop Oil protestor thinks covering his house in velvet isn’t making a big enough impact, Rishi Sunak’s health could look vastly different by that time.

For those unconvinced by this statement it may seem ludicrous that we’re pushing ahead with this global warming suicide speedrun, no-clipping through red tape at world record pace. After all, this comes at a time when, with the current fossil fuel reliance, the ordinary people of the UK are being faced with the biggest energy bills in history. But the key thing to bear in mind is this: energy companies are posting record profits, so it’s best not to mess with a winning formula. The ultimate measure of success is still giving a big double thumbs-up so whatever we’re doing now is working. If we need to move heaven and earth to keep doing it, so be it. Anything to keep this golden age going.

Critics will question Sunak’s credentials as a man committed to preventing climate change. It hasn’t escaped the ever-watchful eye of the fake news media that he made this announcement about his continued fight for net-zero in Scotland, having travelled there by private jet. The wokerati just can’t stand to see a hard-working straight man winning. Sunak defended his use of this mode of transport by pointing out that “it is an effective use of time for the person running the country” (Better late than never, I suppose). You would think it would be easy (and a free point in a greenwashing campaign) to just take the train and work on his laptop on the journey north, that is, if rail workers weren’t striking this week. I guess it’s not like Sunak can do anything to improve public transport in this country, he’s not a god. He’s got to watch out though, if it were a certain previous Prime Minister, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had cheekily utilised this announcement as an excuse for a holiday, flown up with his private jet, had a lovely week, all at the taxpayers expense. But then again, it is Aberdeen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

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