UK Election Unchained: Mass Debate Rap God
Week Two highlights of election season. Rap ad-libs at debate, fringe parties getting a trim
Nine years ago this month Essex-born rapper Harry Shotta shattered the world record for most words in a song, with his rapid-rapping hit Animal, beating the notorious Rap God by Eminem. It brought honour to the shores of this great country and gave us pride that we were finally reclaiming our throne as the king of all nations. In fact, if you search Harry Shotta in 2024 the top People also ask is “Is Harry Shotta faster than Eminem?” You can’t get more esteemed than that.
It might not be long before Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer get that question added to their Google search page if the debate on Tuesday night is anything to go by. The numbers are still being crunched, but early estimates have them neck and neck with Harry Shotta for words-per-minute over the course of that hour. Rishi Sunak was on a mission to spit out as many bars as humanly possible with the backing ad libs of “I’m gonna stop you-”, “Time’s up-”, “Mr Sunak please-” provided by the presenter. Keir Starmer was not about to walk his ass back to 8 Mile though, as he kept up with the tempo of this rap battle, even adding a few one-liners in to make the knowing hiphop/politics fan raise a smirk. But amidst all the unorthodox clashing rhythms, there was very little of substance in either performance, both repeated the same phrases over and over as you might expect, and all the political journalists were talking about in the wake of it was the veracity of Sunak’s claim that Labour were planning to raise taxes by £2000 over four years. Now £2000 probably seems like a lot to these amateur journalists whose columns can’t even pay the cost of their Macbook Pros, but real working people earn that much in the blink of an eye, and are much more preoccupied with the upcoming football that neither politician gave a credible account of caring about. Although Starmer made an admirable attempt to seem normal again, leaning in to talk about England at the Euros like he was telling a disinterested bartender what he would do with Jude Bellingham in the midfield.
Speaking of bartenders, let’s check in on PINTWATCH!
Nigel Farage made his shock return to parliamentary politics, announcing that he was running for as Reform candidate in Clacton , a party he was honorary president of until the exact moment of his announcement, when he became leader. The efficiency of this leadership contest might have gone under the radar to some. This is because Reform UK is actually a registered company that Farage is director and majority shareholder of, avoiding the faff of polling its members when he can save them all the trouble and appoint himself. As always, the invisible hand of the free market is pushing with all its might.
Farage got off to a flying start in PINTWATCH as he launched his campaign inside a Wetherspoon’s with a fine British ale! This brings him level with Keir Starmer on (at least) one! He almost brought that up to two immediately when he exited the Spoons and had a beverage thought to be a pint thrown over his face. But it was just a milkshake. It was a milkshake, everyone, don’t get excited! This brings the PINTWATCH score after two weeks to:
Starmer: At least 1
Farage: 1 (and a bit of a milkshake)
Sunak: 0 (Boooo)
While we’re handing out awards to Farage for his beverage consumption and also for making the Tories lose even more marginal seats, I’d also like to say a big congratulations to the Greens for being the first party to announce an expensive proposal but also to say out loud where they’re going to get the money from! This is not to say that Labour’s plan to raise funds by “growing the economy” and the Lib Dems’ plan to raise funds by “closing tax loopholes” are both fake strategies, but that’s exactly what they are. The Greens, in contrast, are planning to implement a tax on assets over £10,000,000 and bring capital gains tax in line with income tax. This would effect real, substantial change, the kind of which you almost never see a party anywhere near power suggesting, which is why the Greens thought they had better mention it. It does add to the dark clouds gathering above Rishi Sunak;s head though, as it would bring his tax level in line with that of an NHS nurse, it makes one wonder what’s gonna be left to trickle down. He’d be racing off to Silicon Valley before he could even pull his kids out of private school.
The only person going faster than that hypothetical-situation-Sunak is Lib Dem leader Ed Davey, and this time he’s not speeding down a water slide, or a paddleboard, or a bike on a cobbled street, or a barbecue with a silly apron on; he’s speeding on a road! That’s right, in the midst of all this you might have missed that he got a ticket for speeding on the M1, probably in a rush to increase police and military spending before he goes abseiling down the white cliffs of Dover. I don’t envy the busy lives of these politicians, it’s hard enough just summarising it all for you in a witty, urbane article. Their lives at the moment put one in mind of a musician on tour. All packed into a bus, full of drugs and surrounded by screaming fans. I guess that’s just another thing that Rishi Sunak and Harry Shotta have in common.
Thanks for reading! UK Election Unchained will be back next week.
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